{"id":112899,"date":"2024-10-11T11:48:03","date_gmt":"2024-10-11T04:48:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=112899"},"modified":"2024-10-11T11:48:03","modified_gmt":"2024-10-11T04:48:03","slug":"my-husband-asked-to-have-sex-with-another-woman-the-saga-that-followed-changed-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=112899","title":{"rendered":"My husband asked to have sex with another woman. The saga that followed changed me."},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script>\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:block\"\r\n     data-ad-format=\"fluid\"\r\n     data-ad-layout-key=\"-fb+5w+4e-db+86\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"7910942971\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n     (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div itemprop=\"mainEntityOfPage\">\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"18\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23n5wcf000e2ekyzkgkr586@published\"><em>How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0<\/em><strong><em>Have a question?\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/docs.google.com\/forms\/d\/e\/1FAIpQLSdx34-uOijrCIKqMdw5hnyYahSJBKa4AaSzDCu1nfcpmd3IjA\/viewform\"><strong><em>Send it to Jessica and Rich here<\/em><\/strong><\/a><strong><em>.<\/em><\/strong><em>\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous!<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"5\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23npng6006t3b707il2mqpw@published\"><strong>Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"109\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23ndkeh005k3b70g9rm1p4b@published\">Three years ago my husband of a decade cheated on me\u2014sort of. Our relationship was in a bad place\u2014we had moved overseas for his job, and I was working a part-time remote job from home, and doing all the household work and childcare for our 1-year-old. I felt isolated and lonely, so I was grumpy and easily frustrated. His response was to pull away from me and our son, locking himself in his office to play video games and spending the weekends sleeping, which made me even more resentful. I begged him to be present and empathetic, but for whatever reason he couldn\u2019t or wouldn\u2019t do that for me.<\/p>\n<aside data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-roadblock\/instances\/cm23n5wcf000g2ekyavqgwmau@published\" class=\"slate-roadblock\">\n<\/aside>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"151\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nye2y00783b70xwj0lzpz@published\">After some months of this, he told me he had met someone at an event and wanted permission to have an open relationship. He stressed that this would be purely sexual. I was absolutely not OK with it, but he kept pushing and I gave in. I\u2019ve never had a problem with ethical nonmonogamy in theory\u2014much like skydiving or smooth jazz, fine for those who liked it, but not for me. I read all the books and blogs and listened to all the podcasts, and I tried to be accepting, but rapidly spiraled into the worst mental health crisis of my life. I sought medical help. He reluctantly ended the relationship. The other woman had developed feelings, and it got messy. Her social circle overlapped with ours, which meant we sometimes encountered her at parties and events. We were able to keep it quiet, somehow, but it was an unpleasant situation.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"128\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23n7kcl001o3b7038ltbx47@published\">Cut to present day. We now live in a different country. We went to couples therapy for the entire following year, but to this day, I still carry the deep wound of those dark months. He continues to say he wouldn\u2019t have pursued the open relationship if I had been a better partner to him at the time. He feels that my mental health crisis was \u201cmanipulative.\u201d He points out that he never lied to me, which is true, and that he got my consent first, which I argue was coerced consent, and that he ended the relationship at my request, which is technically true, though he took his time about it. We haven\u2019t really been able to talk it all out since the conversation never goes anywhere.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"223\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23n7kek001p3b70cm2dfgnm@published\">We have two young children who adore their dad, and we have spent the majority of our life together moving every few years for his job. I miss the kind, thoughtful, loving man I married. I don\u2019t want a divorce, but I also struggle with feeling stuck in this deep well of grief for the marriage I thought I had. What makes it worse is that while he was in this relationship with another woman, he was more loving and attentive to me than he had been in years. These days we\u2019re OK, and manage to enjoy each other\u2019s company from time to time when we\u2019re not exhausted from working and parenting two small children, but the whole sordid story still hangs over me. Every time we have sex, I can\u2019t stop visualizing him with someone else and feeling disgust. I\u2019d like to go to therapy again, but we\u2019ve seen a few therapists and it\u2019s not been especially helpful. I want to move forward, I want to put this behind us. Ideally, I\u2019d like us both to learn and grow from it, and to be better partners to each other. But I can\u2019t seem to lose this crushing weight of hurt and resentment toward him for what he put me through. What do I need to do? What does he need to do?<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"4\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23npbt4006e3b70f6iikvjf@published\">\u2014Still Carrying this Weight<\/p>\n<section class=\"newsletter-signup  \" data-turnstile-sitekey=\"0x4AAAAAAAapdPWOG3kR2_qF\" data-list=\"Advice\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/newsletter-signup\/instances\/cm23npf1r006l3b70zqs6twlg@published\">\n<p>\n        <svg width=\"13\" height=\"20\" class=\"newsletter-signup__arrow\">\n          <use xlink:href=\"http:\/\/slate.com\/media\/components\/newsletter-signup\/sprite.svg#arrow\"\/>\n        <\/svg><\/p>\n<p>      The latest sex, parenting, and money advice from our columnists delivered to your inbox twice a week.\n    <\/p>\n<\/section>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"50\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23n7od6001w3b70qagycq19@published\"><strong>Jessica Stoya:<\/strong> Our writer has the option of going to therapy herself. She clearly has a lot to say and a lot to work through. The reason I say therapy or counseling is that therapists and counselors are trained to work through the past, and things that might\u2019ve been traumatic.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"110\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23naqsv00223b70po097h0a@published\">I get the sense that she has the idea that if she can just get him to do something unknown, then that will turn him back into the kind, thoughtful, loving man he presented as or behaved as when they got married. The reality is, as she knows, she can\u2019t control what he does. She can set her boundaries. She can say, \u201cIn the event of this, I will do this.\u201d Right? \u201cIf you pursue another relationship outside of the marriage, that\u2019s my limit. I will leave you.\u201d But she can\u2019t get him to go to therapy, participate in therapy, or change his behavior. She can\u2019t control him.an autonomous person.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"76\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nasru00283b70qo9zpjsl@published\"><strong>Rich Juzwiak:<\/strong> Yes, I agree with that. And I do want to validate her. She writes, \u201cHe continues to say he wouldn\u2019t have pursued the open relationship if I had been a better partner to him at the time. He feels that my mental health crisis was \u2018manipulative.\u2019\u201d I think those are awful things to say to somebody. What does he need to do? Well, in a perfect world, he wouldn\u2019t be saying stuff like that.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"88\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nayp4002k3b70fi2usj9f@published\">Here\u2019s what I really think: I don\u2019t know that this gets resolved without the conversation going anywhere. What he \u201cneeds to do\u201d is have that conversation and work it out. If he\u2019s not going to do that, how can you possibly continue the relationship? Then you\u2019re just sweeping it under the rug and you\u2019re pretending that nothing is going on. All of that resentment is fomenting. Look at how it\u2019s presenting in their sex life. You\u2019re just cosplaying a real relationship as long as these issues are outstanding.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"41\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nb09s002q3b708u83pupt@published\">You can take what he does as a kind of litmus test for whether this relationship is viable. And if he\u2019s not actually interested in working through this stuff, that so obviously needs to be worked through, you have an answer.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"80\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nb25m002w3b70dwulu68i@published\"><strong>Jessica:<\/strong> But the answer for the question, \u201cWhat does he need to do?\u201d needs to come from the letter writer. What does <em>she<\/em> need him to do? What does she need and require to begin to trust this relationship again, and begin to feel safe in this relationship again?\u00a0Regardless of who he behaved as when you married him, you\u2019re dealing with a different slice of that man now. Are you going to tolerate that massive shift in behavior and respect?<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"48\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nb70r003e3b706u998p4y@published\"><strong>Rich:<\/strong> And empathy. There\u2019s a lack of empathy to qualify her mental health crisis as manipulative. Your partner had a crisis, and it\u2019s not all about you. That to me is probably the worst thing in here. That gives me the least amount of hope for the relationship.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"77\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nb8rq003k3b70pa6v7942@published\"><strong>Jessica: <\/strong>For me, the worst part is the, \u201cHe got my consent first,\u201d which she correctly argues was coerced consent. One of the things that drives me up a wall the most about how basic consent gets taught is this concept that it all relies on, \u201cWell, she said yes. Well, he said yes.\u201d Well, did you push, and push, and nag, and whine, and pressure, and already halfway be doing it? That\u2019s not clear consent, right?<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"120\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nban4003q3b70v6j27ofv@published\"><strong>Rich: <\/strong>No, it\u2019s not. You\u2019re right. I do think in my own experiences I\u2019ve found that sometimes with this opening up, you go back and forth and people change their mind or feel differently on a different day. But if the person who\u2019s resistant to the opening isn\u2019t at least bringing it up sometimes as something that they want to do or saying, \u201cOh, I changed my mind about that,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019m interested in exploring it,\u201d and if the person who\u2019s pushing for it doesn\u2019t say sometimes at least, \u201cYou know what? Fine. We won\u2019t do this. I\u2019m OK with being monogamous,\u201d that\u2019s a huge issue. The idea is you want to at least <em>strive<\/em> to meet in the middle.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"42\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbfw500483b70wh16oayi@published\">But if you\u2019re not getting anything from the other side that says, \u201cActually, yes, this is viable, and this is something that I want,\u201d coming from that person unprompted, you\u2019re in trouble. That\u2019s not going to work, and it\u2019s clearly not working.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"96\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbhg3004e3b70wltdn5o7@published\"><strong>Jessica: <\/strong>Very clearly not working. The man probably ruined his relationship with his wife, the mother of his children, and it may not be repairable. I think when you\u2019re at the point where you\u2019re having intrusive thoughts during sex that are related to a difficult, hurtful, and possibly traumatic experience that your partner put you through, to me, that\u2019s a sign that there\u2019s very little chance of coming back from that, unless it is an incredible, real, thorough apology and change on the part of the other person. But even then, it doesn\u2019t come back overnight.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"70\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23oggwv00843b7018s4tynz@published\">Recovering from a harm like this, whether she stays married to him or not, can be a multi-year process. And 10 years later, you can still find yourself affected by it again for a minute. Given that he\u2019s framing her mental health crisis as manipulative, and refused to be present and empathetic, I don\u2019t think he\u2019s going to do what it would take to help her believe in him again.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"58\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbkk2004k3b70hbfvi3dv@published\"><strong>Rich:<\/strong> There\u2019s one other part that I want to highlight that I think is interesting, which is when she writers, \u201cWhat makes it worse is that while he was in this relationship with another woman, he was more loving and attentive to me than he had been in years,\u201d which I find sad coming from our writer\u2019s perspective.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"84\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbmjn004q3b708pmffh4l@published\">But I think the most diplomatic reading I can give this is that this kind of nonmonogamy really worked for him, and it might be something that he needs in some way. That might\u2019ve unlocked something in him. And that is not the life that our writer wants to live. It seems very clear to me. Again, diplomatically speaking, this seems kind of like a mismatch to me. It seems like what he needs is what she\u2019s not willing to give and vice versa.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"95\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbpgr004w3b70xp72jkib@published\"><strong>Jessica: <\/strong>I would go a little further and say even not able to give. Because I think you\u2019re correct. He may be nonmonogamous as a person, not as a practice, but as a person, like you and Lucie were discussing during the <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/09\/having-sex-with-friends-group-advice-party.html\">Advice Week chat<\/a>. Meanwhile, our letter writer is clearly monogamous as a person. She tried her absolute best, and did not get any enjoyment out of it. The fact that she had a mental health crisis so bad that it led to medical intervention says to me that she\u2019s not built that way.<\/p>\n<aside data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/in-article-recirc\/instances\/cm23n5wcf000i2eky361ii3vp@published\" class=\"in-article-recirc\" data-via=\"article-inline_recirc-section-advice\">\n<ol class=\"in-article-recirc__list\">\n<li class=\"in-article-recirc__item\">\n          <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/10\/parenting-advice-stay-at-home-wife-work-baby.html\" class=\"in-article-recirc__link\"><\/p>\n<p>            My Stay-at-Home Wife Was Supposed to Go Back to Work. Instead She\u2019s Upending Our Family.<br \/>\n          <\/a>\n        <\/li>\n<li class=\"in-article-recirc__item\">\n          <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/10\/dear-prudence-cottage-core-nightmare.html\" class=\"in-article-recirc__link\"><\/p>\n<p>            Help! My Sister Stupidly Bought a Farm to \u201cRaise Her Kids on the Land.\u201d Now She\u2019s Trying to Drag Me Into the Dirt.<br \/>\n          <\/a>\n        <\/li>\n<li class=\"in-article-recirc__item\">\n          <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/10\/watching-baby-care-and-feeding.html\" class=\"in-article-recirc__link\"><\/p>\n<p>            I\u2019m Extremely Worried by What My Wife Does When She\u2019s Watching Our Baby<br \/>\n          <\/a>\n        <\/li>\n<li class=\"in-article-recirc__item\">\n          <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/10\/sister-in-law-twins-adoption-parenting-advice.html\" class=\"in-article-recirc__link\"><\/p>\n<p>            My Sister-in-Law Asked Us to Adopt Her Twins Because She Missed Her Old Life. Somehow, We Said Yes.<br \/>\n          <\/a>\n        <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/aside>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"101\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbrrm00523b702dkza04g@published\"><strong>Rich: <\/strong>It\u2019s such a bummer when you have someone who is clearly stating their boundaries, who understands enough about themselves to say, \u201cThis situation that you want to get involved in isn\u2019t right for me.\u201d Then they go through it anyway. Coerced? I\u2019m sure. But also out of the love of her heart. Clearly that was a factor. And then she suffers an actual kind of breakdown as a result, which she knew all along something like that could happen. She was right along. It\u2019s the worst kind of vindication. It\u2019s the worst kind of being proven right.\u00a0I feel for her.<\/p>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"106\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23nbtjr00583b704turmyz1@published\"><strong>Jessica:<\/strong> I want to add that the fact that in the middle of this nightmare she was able to argue that her consent was coerced, shows she is made of grit\u2014it\u2019s like when the skeleton of the structure survives a nuclear explosion. If she finds that it is best for her to leave the relationship and build a new life around herself, she can do it. I\u2019m not worried about her ability to do that and to navigate the complexity of a split household and everything that comes with that. It won\u2019t be easy, but I think she will get through it with her head <span class=\"slate-paragraph--tombstone\">up.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3 class=\"subhead subhead--none\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/subhead\/instances\/cm23no2z6005z3b70w3hbdsnc@published\">\n<p>More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n<p class=\"slate-paragraph slate-graf\" data-word-count=\"107\" data-uri=\"slate.com\/_components\/slate-paragraph\/instances\/cm23no0cu005r3b70fppiubms@published\">I (straight, cis man) would really like to perform oral sex on my girlfriend. The problem is, I have never liked the taste or smell of the vulva. I know every vulva is different, but I have never liked the taste or smell of ANY, over many years and across several women, so it wasn\u2019t a one-off thing when my partner was unwashed or infected. My current girlfriend asked me about it at the start and I told her that I don\u2019t really like doing it. <a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/human-interest\/2023\/11\/girlfriend-fantasy-head-sex-advice.html\">She never mentioned it again, but from the porn she watches, I can tell she would love it if I did\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><script type=\"text\/javascript\">\n!function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s){\nif(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function(){n.callMethod?\nn.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments)};if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;\nn.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0;\nt.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)}(window,\ndocument,'script','https:\/\/connect.facebook.net\/en_US\/fbevents.js');\n<\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script>\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:block\"\r\n     data-ad-format=\"fluid\"\r\n     data-ad-layout-key=\"-fb+5w+4e-db+86\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"7910942971\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n     (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1660802\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n<br \/>\n<br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/slate.com\/advice\/2024\/10\/husband-sex-open-marriage-resentment-advice.html\">Source link <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column.\u00a0Have a question?\u00a0Send it to Jessica and Rich here.\u00a0It\u2019s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Three years ago my husband of a &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=112899\" class=\"more-link\">Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-112899","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/112899","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=112899"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/112899\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=112899"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=112899"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=112899"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}