{"id":135781,"date":"2024-12-11T10:38:55","date_gmt":"2024-12-11T03:38:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=135781"},"modified":"2024-12-11T10:38:55","modified_gmt":"2024-12-11T03:38:55","slug":"just-answer-no-mishpacha-magazine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=135781","title":{"rendered":"Just Answer \u201cNo\u201d &#8211; Mishpacha Magazine"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script>\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:block\"\r\n     data-ad-format=\"fluid\"\r\n     data-ad-layout-key=\"-fb+5w+4e-db+86\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"7910942971\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n     (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><br \/>\n<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong><span style=\"color: #003366;\"><span id=\"first-letter\">T<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span>hese are lines we\u2019re saying more and more often, because we\u2019ve learned something communally: Shoving problems under the rug or delaying getting the right help comes at a steep price.<\/p>\n<p>A recent convention had no less than three major sessions on therapy-related topics presented by clinicians alongside rabbanim. We\u2019re creating a climate in which we begin normalizing getting help instead of helpless hand-wringing.<\/p>\n<p>This is good. From my vantage point, I see so many more people getting the help and tools they need to be healthy, functional, contributing members of society.<\/p>\n<p>But then our daughters apply to seminary. And on some of those applications they fill out, they encounter variations of this question: Are you in therapy? Have you ever been to therapy?<\/p>\n<p>To me, naive soul, it\u2019s a yes or no question.<\/p>\n<p>But apparently, it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n<p>As someone whose work has me frequently interacting with high-school girls, I began fielding calls from girls who panicked at the question and the advice they\u2019d been given.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve had 12th graders tell me that their principals told them to answer no, even when they were in therapy. \u201cJust have in mind that you won\u2019t go again when you submit the application,\u201d they were told. \u201cIf you start again afterward, it\u2019s like new therapy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There are girls told to say no for any of a million other reasons.<\/p>\n<p>Bottom line: Just answer no.<\/p>\n<div>\n<p>I wondered if this was just the world I was in or if this was a wider issue. I put out a call to dozens of 12th-grade <em>mechanchos<\/em> in a range of schools across the US so I could see if this type of response was coming from one type of sector or neighborhood. I spoke to people working in schools ranging from Modern Orthodox to chassidish to yeshivish, Lubavitch, or Sephardic.<\/p>\n<p>None would go on the record. \u201cI\u2019ll lose the trust of the seminaries for the advice I have to give my students,\u201d was the line I kept hearing. But off-the-record, here\u2019s what I learned:<\/p>\n<p>One <em>mechaneches<\/em> told me that she advises seminary applicants not to reveal they\u2019re in therapy, \u201cunless they\u2019re going to a specific two or three seminaries that are okay with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Another teacher took a slightly different approach. \u201cI tell my students they can say they went to therapy, but only if the explanation they give in the follow-up questions is something very obvious or benign. Loss, divorce, an accident\u2026 those all make sense to seminaries and pass for no big deal. If a girl says she\u2019s in therapy for anxiety or depression or OCD, on the other hand, the seminary may feel it\u2019s above their pay grade. So those are the ones I advise to just say no.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I move on to the next teacher. \u201cThe reality is that the typical academic seminaries are looking for a certain type,\u201d she tells me. \u201cThey can\u2019t imagine that the <em>hashkafos<\/em> and academics they seek can exist in a girl in therapy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of the teachers I spoke with told me she understands the seminaries. \u201cThey\u2019re overwhelmed with caring for so many girls 24\/7 for months on end,\u201d she says.<br \/>\u201cThey\u2019re looking to have the most low-maintenance girls possible. Because they always will have challenges.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Is this really the goal? And are seminaries really hesitant to accept girls who\u2019ve been in therapy? I asked some seminary teachers I know for their thoughts.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHonestly, it depends on the seminary,\u201d said one teacher who teaches in mostly academic, yeshivish seminaries. \u201cFor many it is true, but others are getting better about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A teacher who teaches in seminaries across the spectrum said she\u2019s found that in the Modern Orthodox world, girls in therapy are accepted more easily than in the right-wing seminaries, but she\u2019s seeing a shift of girls who write no, but whom the seminary principals suspect need therapy. Sometimes, she says, the principals will accept these girls on condition they have a therapist set up before getting to Israel\u00a0\u2014 and the girls are often relieved.<\/p>\n<p>So what\u2019s the point of asking this at all? If girls are told to answer no, no matter what, how does this even help?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe seminaries know that some girls won\u2019t answer honestly, but they won\u2019t remove it from the form,\u201d says one seminary teacher. \u201cBut just like they need to ask about technology or other policies, and they know that some will and some won\u2019t be honest, this is the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>On the other hand, one teacher in a Chabad seminary says that she does see a rise in girls saying they\u2019ve been to therapy. \u201cBut that\u2019s mostly for things in the past. There are still just a few who admit they are currently in therapy. They\u2019ve worked so hard in therapy to get to the place that they can do well enough in a dorm setting. They don\u2019t want to risk losing that opportunity and yes, they may lose it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There are so many things I want to say here. Why are we delegitimizing something we\u2019ve worked so hard to destigmatize? Why are we creating a culture that tells girls that their treatable condition should go untreated? These girls can do so well and grow like any other girl during her seminary year. What message are we sending them? You\u2019re too much? You\u2019re better off if you stop therapy or meds and simply suffer?<\/p>\n<p>And why are we encouraging girls to lie, when it won\u2019t help anyone achieve their goals? Seminaries are still going to get girls who need therapies, but now they\u2019re getting these girls without treatment, which creates chaos, instead of getting wonderful girls who are intuitive and deep and manage their struggles attentively.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not implying that all seminaries ask this question, or that all schools give this advice. One <em>mechaneches <\/em>told me that she encourages her students to be honest and respond to the questions asked. \u201cThey don\u2019t need to provide details that aren\u2019t relevant unless they go to the school, there\u2019s time for that later,\u201d she says. \u201cBut I do wish seminaries would signal that they aren\u2019t looking to \u2018catch\u2019 people in therapy. That they just would rather be aware of the situation in advance, instead of spending half the year trying to crack the code of what this student needs to thrive.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There are many schools that have healthier, more balanced approaches \u2014 and there are many seminaries that do not ask this question, or that are careful to ask for only relevant information in a respectful way.<\/p>\n<p>But this is happening too often to say it\u2019s not a problem.<\/p>\n<p>And I have a problem.<\/p>\n<p>My primary concern is that we\u2019re corroding our <em>middas ha\u2019emes<\/em>. Untruths are being encouraged for the \u201cgreater good.\u201d These girls are being told by those within their circle of <em>chinuch<\/em> to be dishonest so that they can win the end game: getting into the right seminary. Doesn\u2019t this undo so much of the <em>chinuch<\/em> work that we put into our girls all these years?<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t cheat even if it gets you a better mark.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t lie even if it gets you out of trouble.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Oh, but tell a lie if it means getting into seminary.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>If this is where it begins, where does it end?<\/p>\n<p>Then there\u2019s the added challenge to mental health:<\/p>\n<p>Going to therapy requires a healthy dose of humility. It takes the hard work of facing yourself and your flaws with an honesty that breeds growth.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a reason many parents struggle to get a child to agree to go to therapy. How many teens can say: I\u2019m not perfect?<\/p>\n<p>And then there\u2019s the shame factor: <em>I\u2019m flawed. I\u2019m less than. Nobody else struggles with this.<\/em> All these messages are often what hold back teens (and adults) from seeking help when needed. Instead, they\u2019ll allow the trouble to spiral to the point where it can get worse or even life-threatening.<\/p>\n<p>As a community, we\u2019ve tried to normalize therapy so that it\u2019s not those who are \u201cless than\u201d who get the help, but those who are wise and recognize how far prevention can go. We\u2019ve created referral agencies, funding, evenings of awareness, ad campaigns\u2026 because as a community, we recognize the huge ramifications of making help something to avoid.<\/p>\n<p>But when our <em>chinuch<\/em> institutions ask girls, \u201cHave you been to therapy?\u201d and then reject applicants for positive responses; when we turn away girls for sharing how they\u2019ve learned to manage their dark thoughts, we\u2019re sending a message to the community: Go back to shoving things under the carpet. Avoid help at all costs.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re barely crawling out of that era. Let\u2019s not go back.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><em>Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><em>(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 922)<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><script type=\"text\/javascript\">!function(f,b,e,v,n,t,s){if(f.fbq)return;n=f.fbq=function(){n.callMethod?\nn.callMethod.apply(n,arguments):n.queue.push(arguments)};if(!f._fbq)f._fbq=n;\nn.push=n;n.loaded=!0;n.version='2.0';n.queue=[];t=b.createElement(e);t.async=!0;\nt.src=v;s=b.getElementsByTagName(e)[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(t,s)}(window,\ndocument,'script','https:\/\/connect.facebook.net\/en_US\/fbevents.js');<\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><script async src=\"https:\/\/pagead2.googlesyndication.com\/pagead\/js\/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     crossorigin=\"anonymous\"><\/script>\r\n<ins class=\"adsbygoogle\"\r\n     style=\"display:block\"\r\n     data-ad-format=\"fluid\"\r\n     data-ad-layout-key=\"-fb+5w+4e-db+86\"\r\n     data-ad-client=\"ca-pub-3711241968723425\"\r\n     data-ad-slot=\"7910942971\"><\/ins>\r\n<script>\r\n     (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});\r\n<\/script><br \/>\n<br \/><div data-type=\"_mgwidget\" data-widget-id=\"1660802\">\r\n<\/div>\r\n<script>(function(w,q){w[q]=w[q]||[];w[q].push([\"_mgc.load\"])})(window,\"_mgq\");\r\n<\/script>\r\n<br \/>\n<br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/mishpacha.com\/just-answer-no\/\">Source link <\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>These are lines we\u2019re saying more and more often, because we\u2019ve learned something communally: Shoving problems under the rug or delaying getting the right help comes at a steep price. &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/?p=135781\" class=\"more-link\">Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-135781","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135781","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=135781"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/135781\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=135781"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=135781"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hotvideos24.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=135781"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}