I’m thinking of giving up on my relationship with my granddaughter. Her attitude is beyond.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My 12 year old granddaughter hates me, and has for a number of years. She won’t even let me hug her. I take her and her friends to fun places every weekend. But if I call her she won’t answer. I have no idea why she hates me. I get no help from her parents and they have no problem with her constantly saying nasty things to me. Should I give up?

—Hated by my Granddaughter

Dear Hated,

If it makes you unhappy to spend time with your granddaughter, you can stop doing it. You’re an adult! But cutting people out of your life isn’t an easy task. The good news is that a twelve year old doesn’t stay twelve forever. If you walk away (or do the bare minimum of interacting with her on holidays) you’ll probably regret it. Instead, try to change your relationship with her into a positive one, or at least into one where you don’t feel terrible.

Start by trying to figure out if it’s really something you’re doing or just her general attitude. Talk to her parents (or her!) to try to figure out if she really “hates” you. She might be acting out towards everyone in her life. She might also just be a nasty person! What you think of as “taking her to fun places,” she might think of as “being dragged to annoying places.” What you think of as a hug, she might find awkward or embarrassing. Who knows what goes on in the minds of tweens?! You may never know the answer in this case, but you can probably get a little bit of insight by asking. Also, does your granddaughter know how you feel? When she says nasty things to you, tell her how that makes you feel. She’ll probably keep saying them, but you’ll feel better having said your piece.

You could also find a middle ground between “giving up” and continuing to be so present with her. Every weekend is a lot to see a grandchild, especially one you aren’t getting along with. Could you step back from schlepping her and her friends around, or at least reframe it in your head that you’re helping her parents out, not her? Is there an activity that she would like to do with you?

Also, don’t call. Text. She may or may not write back, but I think texting will up your chances of getting a positive response.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

We are struggling with my nine year old boy’s sleeping.  He’s always been a sensitive kid and a semi-light sleeper.  He has an hour of wind-down time after his younger sister goes to bed (they share a room), then toothbrushing and to bed.  Typically, I’ve sat with him for 20 minutes, then I’d leave and he’d read a little longer then sleep.

While we were traveling over the summer, though, he started to come out of his room to say hi when he was supposed to be asleep (his dad and I were usually just chatting in the living room.)  It wasn’t a big deal; we just sent him back to bed and he’d fall asleep. However, it got worse when we came home; he would come down panicked because he couldn’t fall asleep and he wanted someone to sit with him; if I agreed to sit with him he was so on edge anticipating me leaving that he’d fight sleep, or wake up ten minutes after falling asleep and then panic if I wasn’t there. Sometimes he’d fall asleep OK, but then wake up in the middle of the night with his heart racing. We’d always give him a hug and send him back to bed.  He does not have nightmares, but said that he was nervous about school starting and wanted more attention from me, but mostly this was being stressed about sleeping.

After a few weeks of this my husband started sleeping on a mattress in his room. This fixed things; he falls asleep normally with my husband there, and usually sleeps through the night. He still sometimes (1-2 times a week) wakes up or can’t fall asleep, but he walks over to his dad, gets a hug, and goes back to bed.  We did this for a month, and then told him to go to sleep on his own, but he couldn’t.  So now my husband’s been sleeping on the floor and going to bed at 9 every night.  My son is calm and reasonable when we talk to him; he doesn’t seem traumatized about anything, and says he’s OK sleeping on his own—but when we try, he’ll just worry and keep himself awake. Neither letting him read for hours, nor banning reading in bed has helped. I will try to teach him some relaxation techniques, but otherwise I’m stuck.  He sincerely freaks out and gets a racing heartbeat and can’t fall asleep on his own, but we can’t sleep in his room forever!

—Struggling to Sleep

Dear Struggling,

You’re exactly right: this can’t go on forever! Your son’s behavior is a phase and it will end. While you wait for the phase to end you can either grin and bear it or try to speed things up.

You can keep trying to figure out if there’s something bigger that your son is scared of that’s giving him this anxiety (it sounds like he’s not just doing this for attention). Are there fears he has that you can calm? If you can get to the root of why he’s scared of sleeping, he can talk it through a few times, which should help. You say that he seems calm, reasonable, and untraumatized when you talk to him—remind him that it’s perfectly natural to be scared of the dark or worried about bedtime, and that he wouldn’t be the first kid to have anxiety keeping him up.

For his middle-of-the-night-wake ups, you’re on the right track with breathing exercises. Keep trying different self-soothing techniques. A good night light to turn on might help. A particular stuffy he can get a hug from. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, ask him in the morning how he tried to solve his own problem before coming for your help. Telling you the thing that he tried will reinforce that those are options for calming down before seeking you out.

In the meantime, your husband should stop sleeping in his room. It’s uncomfortable! Having been through similar issues, I’d suggest throwing a camping mattress on the floor in your room. If your son is the one who wants company, he can be the one sleeping on the floor.

But don’t give up on trying to get him to sleep alone in  his own room. Starting once or twice a week, read together for just  10 or 20  minutes and then turn the lights out. If he ends up back on the mattress in your room, so be it. Eventually, it will stick, but you have to keep trying to know when the phase is over.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

I (19, NB) need help dealing with my relationship with my mother. She forced me into a pseudo-therapist/best friend/sister role until the age of 11 (badmouthing and damaging my relationships with other family members, including my grandmother and aunt, in the process). When I started displaying my own mental health issues and ceased being a confidant, she treated me with sustained and hysterical anger. I have begged her to go to therapy and she refuses.

I have now moved out of the family home. When I speak to my mother, she is friendly and we make small talk, but we are not close. Their house makes me feel ill and visiting/meeting up with her is extremely taxing for me. I have nightmares about her and I feel like she is in my head criticising me 24/7. I am on a waiting list for therapy but I don’t know what to do in the meantime? I’m angry but I know I have to accept that she won’t change. I’m just sad this has happened to us.

—I’m More Than She Thinks I Am

Dear More Than She Thinks You Are,

Good for you for moving out and getting away from what’s clearly a toxic relationship with your mother. This is a chance for you to work on yourself and your relationships with people other than her. Why not reach out to your aunt and grandmother to try to rebuild those relationships? Build up your friend group. Focus on the positive relationships that you have and nurture them. If you don’t have a good friend group, join some support groups or common interest groups around your hobbies and start building one.

If you find spending time with your mother taxing and uncomfortable, you don’t have to do it. If you do want to keep trying, you definitely don’t have to spend time with her alone. Meet in neutral territory, not at her house, and bring a friend with you. They don’t need to say or do anything. They can act as a shield for gaslighting or extreme behavior. Later, your friend can back up your recollection of the encounter.

While you wait for therapy , there’s plenty  you can do to deal with the anger you feel towards your mother and your sorrow about this relationship. My preferred therapy is outdoor exercise, but if that’s not your cup of tea, look into meditation, yoga, deep breathing or artistic endeavors. Everyone has different ways of finding peace, so make sure to keep trying different tactics until something helps. Writing about your feelings and situation can also be therapeutic. Start journaling. It will let you vent somewhere safe and may prove useful when you start talk therapy.

Again, you’ve already taken some big strides forward. You’ve realized that it’s up to your mother to change her behavior, not you. It’s totally fine to just make small talk with her, that might be what your relationship is right now, or for a while. Keep up the great work and good luck!

—Greg

More Advice from Slate

My sister Kari had her first baby in September. My husband Joe and I are adoptive parents and were chosen to adopt a newborn—with no notice—in August. Kari and her husband wouldn’t talk to my husband and me for months, claiming that we adopted our child to purposefully steal their baby’s attention. (Merely three hours separated the time we learned of our baby’s existence and the moment we welcomed him into our home.) Our babies are now a couple months old, and she has yet to hold my baby or mention him by name. Kari and I are (were) very close, and I don’t know what to do.