People With Schizophrenia Are Sharing Their Experiences

9.

“When I’m experiencing positive symptoms, I feel like I’m the main protagonist of a good novel — a novel you should read without any critical thinking. For instance, I once woke up during the night and couldn’t move. I was in the same position as Christ on the cross, and I was convinced that I was talking with God. I was experiencing a lot of sensations: warmth, cold, and pleasure (A LOT; I’ve never experienced such a thing again). I thought I was the first to discover the solution to the ‘riddle’ created by God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Then I asked God when I would be able to play with him, and he told me we already did. Then, I saw vivid memories of playing poker with my father and my brother and playing Mario Kart with my brother. He also told me that I was very lucky to have my grandmothers, who were very brave (both lost their husbands).”

“I asked him if we were alone in the universe, and he said yes, but we’d let everybody think the contrary. My life was suddenly more exciting (as you can imagine), but I asked him if I could also live the life of Harry Potter and Superman, and he told me, laughing, ‘Of course. Everything you want.’ 

Finally, I asked him if he existed, and he said yes, no, yes, no…yes. And then I fell asleep. The day after, I was convinced that I could communicate via telepathy. And my parents had me hospitalized.

Another time, I walked in the woods at night, amazed by the beauty of the lake, the trees, and the sound of the wind. I got rid of my shoes and put my feet in the mud. Then, I saw a rabbit and ran after him, convinced I was in some kind of Alice in Wonderland world. Then I sat on a bench, and a hedgehog came towards me, and I touched it. Then I went back home with my filthy shoes.

Another time, I left the house convinced that I was a spy for Google, so I threw away all my credit cards and left with only my Android phone, aiming for their headquarters in Paris. During my walk, I changed my mind when Google Maps showed me a map of the UK. My attention went to some city in Scotland. I remembered a PhD offer about optogenetics tools (I was recently awarded a master of engineering degree) that I had seen on the web a few days earlier. So, I decided to follow the highway. Then, heavy rain began to fall, and I had this urge to moonwalk until I reached my goal. I’ve never moonwalked that well. Later, some policemen found me on the side of the road and began asking me questions, but I wouldn’t answer because I was convinced I was John Doe, the hero of a TV series, so I wasn’t supposed to remember who I was. They didn’t take very long before sending me to a hospital.

I have a few more of these anecdotes, but I would never share most of them because they are too humiliating.

Now, the negative symptoms. It’s a lot less funny. It’s pretty simple, actually: I lose all motivation. Imagine having to shower and feeling as if you have to climb Mount Everest or learn the Bible by heart. That’s what it feels like. I’m currently experiencing this phase. It’s been months since I last wanted to see friends, learn things, and find a job. My life is empty; I do nothing, and I just hope that my brain will find its balance one day. I found the motivation to write this because I think society is very rude to people suffering from psychiatric issues. We aren’t all violent psychopaths. It’s a small minority. I’m not lazy, either. I have a disease. And no, unfortunately, drugs aren’t the quick fix everybody thinks they are.”

—Anonymous