Why should I have to convince my baby’s grandma about her allergies?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a beautiful 1-year-old who is intolerant to dairy or soy (in all forms, even cross-contamination). She also suffers from “complex” acid reflux that has gotten so bad she has developed stridor. We are seeing multiple specialists about this and following their guidance, which includes both of us avoiding anything with dairy or soy in it, as we have done for 10 months.

Despite all of this, my mother believes that the intolerances don’t exist…

and that I’m using them as an excuse not to visit on Thanksgiving. I offered to host and make food in a safe way, but I was told no and that I’m ruining Thanksgiving for my daughter by refusing to spend it with them—awful things to say when I’m trying to keep her from getting sick.

The problem is my daughter loves my mother and FaceTimes with her every night. She also absolutely adores my dad, who visits weekly. She would have a blast at my parents’ house seeing them, my sister, and all my cousins, and being the center of attention. I’m so conflicted. I can’t risk her getting sick because my mom won’t stop cooking with butter, but I also feel so bad that my daughter’s first Thanksgiving won’t feel like a holiday. What should I do?

–Intolerant Thanksgiving

Dear Thanks,

What the hell! Why are you considering going over there, to a house with parents who have already told you that you’re ruining the holiday, and who don’t take your child’s health seriously? Fuck them. You cannot “ruin a holiday” for a 1-year-old who doesn’t know what day it is, doesn’t care about Thanksgiving, and indeed lacks object permanence.

The person whose feelings about Thanksgiving you are “conflicted” about is you. You care about Thanksgiving, which is fine, but that is not worth setting a precedent that your daughter’s health comes second to a made-up holiday. Buck up, enjoy a quiet day at home, and tell your mom that if she would like to see her beautiful granddaughter in person she had better start taking the advice of medical professionals seriously.

–Dan